Bill's Blog

Tonight is a night of catharsis.

Tonight is the night when I proclaim my dark secrets to the world.  Actually, tonight is only the first of many nights . . . it seems that I have an extensive list of wrong-doings that I need to clear.

If you’re just now checking in, I’m mr. bill from Beyond Photography.  I’ve lived several years as a professional Photographer, and have enjoyed many of those years photographing children with Santa Claus.  Every year has gone better than the last, including the sessions of my own wonderful kids with the Claus.  This year, however, is sadly different.  I learned this summer that I have been placed on Santa’s infamous Naughty List!  You thought it was a myth?  A scare tactic?  Yeah–I used to be a fool, too.  Believe me–it’s real.  And it stinks being here.  If you’d like to learn more about my awful discovery, and my boys’ disturbing reaction to the news, click here.  Then come back to this blog.

Anyway, back to the present.  After learning that I landed on the Naughty List, Santa then gave me a glimmer of hope.  He reminded me that confession is good for the soul . . . and informed me that I should air my dirty laundry.  I only hope that I will somehow find redemption in this awful journey . . . .

***********

I don’t want to brag or anything, but I am really, exceptionally gifted.  Seriously.  Sure–I can make an amazing salad.  I can make flatulence noises with my palm and eye socket.  I won my 5th grade spelling bee by remembering to capitalize “Asia.”  I know how to slice a banana in half, without cutting or tearing the peel.  I can tell you all day long how cool I am.

What most people don’t know–other than my extremely fortunate family–is that I have been given the gift of MUSIC!!!!!  It’s true! I love listening to music.  If I’m at my computer [which is often], or in my truck, I am listening to music.  Truth be told–there are very few people who can play the radio as well as I can.  Again:  I’m not bragging, that’s just how it is.

Can I play an instrument?  No.  But can I sing?  HECK YEAH!!!

Some folks have the gift of perfect pitch [whatever]. Others have a keen knack for harmony [whatever that means].  A few folks, I’m told, have a tremendous range [like that's important].

“What is YOUR gift, mr. bill?” you ask.  That’s insightful of you to inquire.  Thank you.

God has given me the gift of VOLUME!  For whatever I might lack in training or skill, I can compensate in volume.  Ask my hot wife, Sheree.  She knows.

Like all brilliant artists, I need a muse . . . an inspiration, if you will. When I tap into my inspiration . . . it moves me.  Deeply.

Apparently, that’s where Santa has a problem.  He seems to think that my musical influences are sub-standard.  [That hurts.]

Apparently Santa really does “see you when you’re sleeping, sees you when you’re awake.” In fact, here’s a photo of me.  I’m working on the computer, listening to music.  If you look carefully, you can see the tears on my face, and the tear-stains on my shirt.  My muse speaks to me, inspiring me to greater volume, demanding that I share my gift of loud-singing with the world.

moved to tears

I’m sorry you had to see me in such a weakened state.  I can’t control the emotion that music releases.

You’re most likely wondering–“Does Santa hate music?” No.  Not at all.  In fact, he loves the [crappy], British-inspired,  Christmas carols we sing.  [Admit it--they really are lousy.  When is the last time you hung "boughs of holly," or demanded "figgy pudding?"  How many folks who live near the birthplace of Jesus sing about the beautiful white Christmases?!  But I digress.]

Apparently Santa has a problem with the music that I love.  He scrolled through my iPod and found something unsettling.  He demanded that I confess to the world . . . my musical muse is . . . (more…)

Thanks for checking in!  If you’re looking for something brilliant or witty or life-changing, let me assure you:  You’re in the wrong place.  I’m writing this blog to answer the most frequent questions Beyond Photography hears regarding Portraits with Santa. Without further delay, here goes . . .

*When and where are the Christmas sessions?

PINE BLUFF:  November 5-7, 2010.

LITTLE ROCK:  In Chenal Downs, November 12-14, 2010.

HOT SPRINGS:  TBA

FAYETTEVILLE:  TBA

After you schedule your session, we’ll email directions and other tips to prepare for the best session possible.

*I love the idea, but what if my kids don’t like Santa?

1.  If you know that you don’t want photos with Mr. Kringle, we’re happy to photograph your kids and/or family without him.  Please let me know when you schedule your session.

2.  Kids love the IDEA of Santa, but meeting him in person is often intimidating.  Kids also love dinosaurs, but meeting one in real life wouldn’t be so great, either.  If your child doesn’t like Santa, never fear.  By the time Santa arrives in the session for photos, we’ve already captured several great images of your kid(s) on the Christmas scene.  Santa then peeks into the scene, in the background, while I keep your child’s attention away from him.  After this, we then introduce the Man in Red.  If spotting Santa is the end of your session [which isn't totally uncommon], we’ve already captured a great session, and you’ll have ample images for your Christmas photo selection.  Santa is extremely sensitive to a child’s reaction to him, and proceeds slowly with those who aren’t sure of him.

*Do you charge extra to have more than one of my kids in the session?

No.  In fact, we encourage Mom and Dad to come prepared for a few images of the immediate family.

*What clothes should we wear?

Every year, our scene is markedly different from any other scene we’ve created.  We always plan our Christmas scenes with “variety” in mind.  We’ll see a great deal of formal Christmas clothing, which is spectacular.  We’ll also see more of the rustic look–like jeans and sweaters–also fantastic.  Several kids will also come with their pajamas, as if they’ve just awakened to find Santa in the living room, and it’s really cute.

*What is the difference between a “Quick Pic” and a full session?  Why would I choose one over the other?

We’re shooting both types of sessions for Christmas.  Here’s the difference:

FULL SESSIONS

• will allow me much more time to capture much more variety–usually around 80-120 images to view.  I’ll reserve more time for you, and shoot for approximately 45 minutes.  This will give me plenty of time to create a volume of work.
• you’ll have the luxury of returning the following week to view your images.  You’ll see a beautiful slideshow, and we’ll walk with you through the ordering process as you choose your portraits/albums/cards/etc.
• if you think you’d like a wall portrait, I’d strongly encourage a full session.  If you might like an album, you’ll certainly need a full session.
• your kids will have much more time to chat and play with Santa!
• our Santa Reservation Fee is $350 ($25 Santa Fee & $325 Portrait credit).  This fee is required in order to reserve your time.  Because of our limited sessions, we do not hold appointments without our reservation fee.  If you would prefer to call with your credit card info, feel free — 501.766.5671.
• our standard price list applies to full session [click here to see our prices].
• understand that the Reservation secures Mr. Bill’s time just for you!  Therefore Santa Reservation Fees are non-refundable.  If you call within 72 hours to reschedule your session, we will do our best to accommodate your request.  If you have a friend that would like to take your appointment, we’ll be happy to assist you.  Otherwise, we cannot refund your deposit.
  

QUICK PICS

• obviously, are much faster.  Our session will last no longer than 15 minutes.  I’ll still shoot with and without Santa, but have much less variety–about 10-20 images to view.
• you’ll select your portraits immediately after your session.  [Sorry, we won't have time to prepare a slideshow.  Images will show straight from the camera--no cropping, color correcting, retouching, etc--all of that work will apply to the prints that you order, you simply won't see it during the preview session.] Prices are listed below.
• we have very few appointment slots available for Quick Pics on Friday evening through Sunday.  Most of these appointments will be on Thursday or Friday morning.
• our Santa Quick Pic Reservation is $175 plus tax ($25 Santa Fee & $150 Portrait credit).
• due to the quick nature of shooting, and ordering in a large volume, Quick Pics are slightly discounted  [see below].  We do allow you to order more than one package!
• We do ask that your purchase a wall portrait [16×20 or larger] OR at least one portrait package when you order.
• we will have many beautiful custom-designed Christmas cards — we do ask for a minimum $259 portrait purchase.
• understand that the Reservation secures Mr. Bill’s time just for you!!  Therefore Santa Quick Pic Reservation Fees are non-refundable.  If you call within 72 hours to reschedule your session, we will do our best to accommodate your request.  If you have a friend that would like to take your appointment, we’ll be happy to assist you.  Otherwise, your deposit will not be refunded.

*How do I schedule an appointment?

Please call or email.  We’ll spend some time listening to your “Christmas list,” then schedule you for either a full session or a Quick Pic.  When we set your appointment time, we’ll ask for your retainer.  We can send an invoice via Paypal, or take a credit card number over the phone.  Email us at beyondphotography1@gmail.com, or call 501.766.5671.

If you have any other questions, please post them in the comments section below.  I’ll then know better how to answer the questions that everyone is asking.

We’re looking forward to an AMAZING holiday season!  I’ll look forward to hearing from you soon.  Thanks!

-mr. bill

Maybe you’ve experienced some pretty rough vacation moments.  You’re camping and the tent leaks.  You have a flat tire in the middle of nowhere, at night, and you don’t have a spare.  Your hotel reservation–wasn’t.  Salmonella.  Ingrown toenail.  Halitosis in a hot-air balloon.  Vacation disasters abound.  You think you’ve had some rough vacation memories?

You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Do you remember the parable of the Crappy Samaritan?  Or Beethoven’s Ode to Joyless?  How about the classic Christmas movie:  It’s a Woeful Life?

Of course you don’t.  But I do.  Suddenly I see things in a different light.

As you may or may not know, my family and I just returned from a summer of work and vacation in Florida.  What could be better than a beautiful stay on the Emerald Coast?  What could possibly improve on such grandeur?  I can tell you:

Strolling down the beach one evening, WE STUMBLED UPON SANTA!!!!!!

The Claus Chillaxes

In one of the worst moments of my life, I nervously approached and asked for his autograph.  I suspect that Santa loves giving autographs . . . unless you mistake him for Jerry Garcia.  Oops.  As I would soon learn, that was only one of the mistakes I’d tallied for the year.  If you want a terrible vacation story, try this on for size–Santa informed me that I have been put on the infamous Naughty List.

OUCH.

As if that wasn’t humiliating enough, Santa then broke the news to my sweet, loving, innocent little boys!  Let me warn you:  The following video clip is disturbing.  No child should know that his own father has been banished to the “other list.”  You’ll see the courageous reaction of my boys when they learn the news.  Please do not watch this clip near children, faint-hearted women, or at work.  My poor little sons.  I hope they recover from the news . . . .

You might be wondering, nervously, how I landed on the Naughty List.  Thankfully, Santa left me a list.  [He has got to get over his list-obsession!  Listing stuff, then checking it twice . . . can you say "OCD?"]  Santa then reminded me that “confession is good for the soul.”  So here on the blog, I’ll be airing the dirty laundry that got me here.  Sigh.  I hope that you can somehow, mercifully, still look me in the eye after you learn some pretty awful secrets about me.  Stay tuned for more sordid details.

In the meantime, Santa has kindly agreed to still meet for Christmas Portraits!  No wonder he’s an official “Saint.”  We’re still hammering out details, including a few new cities.  Thus far, I can tell you [with certainty] that we’ll be photographing:

in Little Rock November 11-14th, and

in Pine Bluff November 5th and 6th.

Once again we’ll be scheduling full sessions, and Quick Pics.  The next blog will have pricing information and more details about scheduling.  5 eager folks have already contacted us!  It’s going to be a great year.  I’ll look forward to talking to you soon.

Yours,

mr. bill

If you had the chance to ask Santa anything, what would you ask?

More importantly, what would your kids ask?

The King of the Handsome Boys, my boy Harrison, is also King of the Questions.  Normally it is Dad [me] who fields the barrage of questions.  Over the last few days, I have enjoyed blissful respite from Harrison’s diligent volley of “who, what, why, when, where, and how?”

[Two of Harrison's more famous questions:  "How did God make the dark?"  "Are monkeys faster than cats?"]

Why has Harrison stopped asking questions of his wise-old dad?  Santa and Mrs. Claus have vacationed with us here in Destin for the last few days.

So now you know:  Given a weekend, here are only a fraction of the questions your kids would ask Santa and Mrs. Claus . . .

“What do reindeer eat?”  “How often do you [Mrs. Claus] get to go to the North Pole?”  “While Mrs. Claus and the elves are doing all the work, do you just sit and watch TV?”  “How old are you?”  “What do you use to write the list [Naughty and Nice]–pencil, pen, or crayon?”  Indicating his own height with his hand:  “Is the list this long?”  “If you’re barely good, are you at the bottom of the list?”  “How many homes do you see on Christmas?”  “How do you visit homes in other countries when they celebrate Christmas at other times?”  “How long does your trip take?”  “Do you sleep all day long the day after Christmas?”  “Do you eat all the cookies?”  “Santa–how long do you stay at the beach?”  “Do you go outside and have snowball fights?”  “Could you freeze to death in the North Pole?  The Elves?”  “Do you [Mrs. Claus] know all of the Elves?”

If your own kids have some questions for Santa, keep following the blog.  We’ll have Santa/Christmas portrait dates posted soon.  Save up your questions, and we’ll look forward to hearing them soon.

Yours,

mr. bill

the Big H

Howdy–I’m Harrison . . . mr. bill’s middle child.  Ever since Dad invented the Watermullet, he’s been trotting all over town, showing it off.  [I'm ashamed to say that he'll soon have more Watermullet photos to share.  Someone please stop him.  One day I'll be a teen-ager, and Dad's blogs won't be nearly so funny.]

In the meantime, business still goes on, and the Muddy Mayhem portrait event is quickly approaching: September 11-12th.  My siblings and I convened, then decided that I should be the one to tell you a little more about the Mud Special.  Dad has created oodles of photos of us [but not nearly as many as you'd think], but none are as great as the mud photos!  Well . . . meeting Santa is pretty great, so those are good photos.  5 a.m. in the Outer Banks, in front of a lighthouse, wasn’t such a fun time.

Here’s my 5 reasons why I loved the Mud Session from last year, and why I’m eager to jump in again:

5.  I’m not like most other kids.  I don’t like to sit in one place, do exactly as I’m told, and look just “the right way” for my photos–whatever that means.  In most of Dad’s photos, I’m laughing wildly, or looking like a doofus, or just “acting like a maniac,” as Dad likes to say.  When Mom and Dad dropped us in the mud for photos, I had found my home.  I laughed wildly, looked like a doofus, acted like a maniac . . . and Dad did, too.  They still tell people that I “stole the show” in that session.

4.  Summertime is hot . . . and a mudbath feels great.  After the session, Mom turned the hose on me, then a real shower.  Sweet relief from the heat.

3.  During most of our portrait sessions, Mom keeps a close, mean eye on my clothes.  I hate getting dirty, but dirt loves getting Harrison.  See the photo below.

mud gets harrison

2.  An occasional worm.

1.  It’s hard being handsome all of the time.  Dad wrote about this awful curse a few blogs ago.  Suffice to say, it was great to cut loose and stop being so “reely, reely, reely, reediculously good-looking” [Derek Zoolander].

So–if your kid sounds anything like me [lucky you!], then you should schedule a Muddy Mayhem session.  As of right now, Dad only has 15 appointments remaining . . . and he’s also shooting Watermelon photos during the same time.  I’m told that packages start at $150–so Dad will ask for a retainer of $163.50 [tax included] to schedule your appointment.  All of that money applies to your portraits–no session fee.  Since Mom and Dad just sent out an email blast about the specials, their appointments will soon be gone.  Call or email right now.

beyondphotography1@gmail.com–or–501.766.5671

Thanks for checking in.  I’ll hope to blog for you again soon.

-The Big H