Tonight is the night when I proclaim my dark secrets to the world.  Actually, tonight is only the first of many nights . . . it seems that I have an extensive list of wrong-doings that I need to clear.

If you’re just now checking in, I’m mr. bill from Beyond Photography.  I’ve lived several years as a professional Photographer, and have enjoyed many of those years photographing children with Santa Claus.  Every year has gone better than the last, including the sessions of my own wonderful kids with the Claus.  This year, however, is sadly different.  I learned this summer that I have been placed on Santa’s infamous Naughty List!  You thought it was a myth?  A scare tactic?  Yeah–I used to be a fool, too.  Believe me–it’s real.  And it stinks being here.  If you’d like to learn more about my awful discovery, and my boys’ disturbing reaction to the news, click here.  Then come back to this blog.

Anyway, back to the present.  After learning that I landed on the Naughty List, Santa then gave me a glimmer of hope.  He reminded me that confession is good for the soul . . . and informed me that I should air my dirty laundry.  I only hope that I will somehow find redemption in this awful journey . . . .

***********

I don’t want to brag or anything, but I am really, exceptionally gifted.  Seriously.  Sure–I can make an amazing salad.  I can make flatulence noises with my palm and eye socket.  I won my 5th grade spelling bee by remembering to capitalize “Asia.”  I know how to slice a banana in half, without cutting or tearing the peel.  I can tell you all day long how cool I am.

What most people don’t know–other than my extremely fortunate family–is that I have been given the gift of MUSIC!!!!!  It’s true! I love listening to music.  If I’m at my computer [which is often], or in my truck, I am listening to music.  Truth be told–there are very few people who can play the radio as well as I can.  Again:  I’m not bragging, that’s just how it is.

Can I play an instrument?  No.  But can I sing?  HECK YEAH!!!

Some folks have the gift of perfect pitch [whatever]. Others have a keen knack for harmony [whatever that means].  A few folks, I’m told, have a tremendous range [like that's important].

“What is YOUR gift, mr. bill?” you ask.  That’s insightful of you to inquire.  Thank you.

God has given me the gift of VOLUME!  For whatever I might lack in training or skill, I can compensate in volume.  Ask my hot wife, Sheree.  She knows.

Like all brilliant artists, I need a muse . . . an inspiration, if you will. When I tap into my inspiration . . . it moves me.  Deeply.

Apparently, that’s where Santa has a problem.  He seems to think that my musical influences are sub-standard.  [That hurts.]

Apparently Santa really does “see you when you’re sleeping, sees you when you’re awake.” In fact, here’s a photo of me.  I’m working on the computer, listening to music.  If you look carefully, you can see the tears on my face, and the tear-stains on my shirt.  My muse speaks to me, inspiring me to greater volume, demanding that I share my gift of loud-singing with the world.

moved to tears

I’m sorry you had to see me in such a weakened state.  I can’t control the emotion that music releases.

You’re most likely wondering–“Does Santa hate music?” No.  Not at all.  In fact, he loves the [crappy], British-inspired,  Christmas carols we sing.  [Admit it--they really are lousy.  When is the last time you hung "boughs of holly," or demanded "figgy pudding?"  How many folks who live near the birthplace of Jesus sing about the beautiful white Christmases?!  But I digress.]

Apparently Santa has a problem with the music that I love.  He scrolled through my iPod and found something unsettling.  He demanded that I confess to the world . . . my musical muse is . . .

my musical muse

Sigh.

When other Jr. High kids were playing sports, hanging with other kids, I was alone at my house, teaching myself calligraphy–listening to Barry Manilow.  “Ultimate Manilow.”  I dare you to listen to Mandy and not cry.  Try it.  You’ll weep.  Then you’ll sing it with unbridled volume!

When Santa confronted me, I tried to weasel my way out of the accusation.  Not smart.  He really does see everything!  He pulled 2 cassette tapes from his pocket . . . tapes that he’d snagged from my truck.

2 other musical influences stared me in the face.  As if Manilow wasn’t bad enough!  Forgive me, kind reader.  Before I show the photo, please let me remind you:

We’re soon photographing kids, all over Arkansas, with Santa.  If you need full information, click here to read the blog about pricing, location, etc.

You’re wondering what might offend Santa more than my man Manilow?

worse than manilow

I’m sorry.  If you can bear to learn any more, subscribe to this blog.  More awful details about me soon.

Mournfully Yours,

mr. bill

More importantly, what would your kids ask?

The King of the Handsome Boys, my boy Harrison, is also King of the Questions.  Normally it is Dad [me] who fields the barrage of questions.  Over the last few days, I have enjoyed blissful respite from Harrison’s diligent volley of “who, what, why, when, where, and how?”

[Two of Harrison's more famous questions:  "How did God make the dark?"  "Are monkeys faster than cats?"]

Why has Harrison stopped asking questions of his wise-old dad?  Santa and Mrs. Claus have vacationed with us here in Destin for the last few days.

So now you know:  Given a weekend, here are only a fraction of the questions your kids would ask Santa and Mrs. Claus . . .

“What do reindeer eat?”  “How often do you [Mrs. Claus] get to go to the North Pole?”  “While Mrs. Claus and the elves are doing all the work, do you just sit and watch TV?”  “How old are you?”  “What do you use to write the list [Naughty and Nice]–pencil, pen, or crayon?”  Indicating his own height with his hand:  “Is the list this long?”  “If you’re barely good, are you at the bottom of the list?”  “How many homes do you see on Christmas?”  “How do you visit homes in other countries when they celebrate Christmas at other times?”  “How long does your trip take?”  “Do you sleep all day long the day after Christmas?”  “Do you eat all the cookies?”  “Santa–how long do you stay at the beach?”  “Do you go outside and have snowball fights?”  “Could you freeze to death in the North Pole?  The Elves?”  “Do you [Mrs. Claus] know all of the Elves?”

If your own kids have some questions for Santa, keep following the blog.  We’ll have Santa/Christmas portrait dates posted soon.  Save up your questions, and we’ll look forward to hearing them soon.

Yours,

mr. bill

the Big H

Howdy–I’m Harrison . . . mr. bill’s middle child.  Ever since Dad invented the Watermullet, he’s been trotting all over town, showing it off.  [I'm ashamed to say that he'll soon have more Watermullet photos to share.  Someone please stop him.  One day I'll be a teen-ager, and Dad's blogs won't be nearly so funny.]

In the meantime, business still goes on, and the Muddy Mayhem portrait event is quickly approaching: September 11-12th.  My siblings and I convened, then decided that I should be the one to tell you a little more about the Mud Special.  Dad has created oodles of photos of us [but not nearly as many as you'd think], but none are as great as the mud photos!  Well . . . meeting Santa is pretty great, so those are good photos.  5 a.m. in the Outer Banks, in front of a lighthouse, wasn’t such a fun time.

Here’s my 5 reasons why I loved the Mud Session from last year, and why I’m eager to jump in again:

5.  I’m not like most other kids.  I don’t like to sit in one place, do exactly as I’m told, and look just “the right way” for my photos–whatever that means.  In most of Dad’s photos, I’m laughing wildly, or looking like a doofus, or just “acting like a maniac,” as Dad likes to say.  When Mom and Dad dropped us in the mud for photos, I had found my home.  I laughed wildly, looked like a doofus, acted like a maniac . . . and Dad did, too.  They still tell people that I “stole the show” in that session.

4.  Summertime is hot . . . and a mudbath feels great.  After the session, Mom turned the hose on me, then a real shower.  Sweet relief from the heat.

3.  During most of our portrait sessions, Mom keeps a close, mean eye on my clothes.  I hate getting dirty, but dirt loves getting Harrison.  See the photo below.

mud gets harrison

2.  An occasional worm.

1.  It’s hard being handsome all of the time.  Dad wrote about this awful curse a few blogs ago.  Suffice to say, it was great to cut loose and stop being so “reely, reely, reely, reediculously good-looking” [Derek Zoolander].

So–if your kid sounds anything like me [lucky you!], then you should schedule a Muddy Mayhem session.  As of right now, Dad only has 15 appointments remaining . . . and he’s also shooting Watermelon photos during the same time.  I’m told that packages start at $150–so Dad will ask for a retainer of $163.50 [tax included] to schedule your appointment.  All of that money applies to your portraits–no session fee.  Since Mom and Dad just sent out an email blast about the specials, their appointments will soon be gone.  Call or email right now.

beyondphotography1@gmail.com–or–501.766.5671

Thanks for checking in.  I’ll hope to blog for you again soon.

-The Big H

Naturally, my thoughts have been on our work back home in Arkansas.  Yet it’s difficult to tear my mind away from summer on the beach in Florida.  In a stroke of sheer genius–standard fare for my innovative ideas–I have combined the two cultures, AND am providing a service to balding men everywhere.  If you thought that Swatch Watches, or Snuggies, or Silly Bandz have been powerful cultural phenomenons, you ain’t seen nothing yet.  You’re lucky to follow this blog so carefully . . . you are privy to sheer brilliance, all for free.

Travel with me, if you will, through the complex yet beautiful world of my own mind . . . .

You might not have not have noticed, since it’s so subtle, but I’m somewhat BALDING.  It’s true.  Since Jr. High [no kidding.  it was traumatic.].  Bald men and nudists have this in common:  Sunburn is no laughing matter! We take extreme care to avoid sun damage.  I’m proud to report that after a summer on the beach, I’ve not been sunburned once.  Yet it’s been a great hassle to apply sunscreen to my MELON every time I anticipate sun exposure.

I hope you’re reading carefully–I’m giving you a guided tour through my brain, and I’m even putting the HINTS IN ALL CAPS.  Fasten your seatbelt, you’re about to see how mr. bill’s brilliance bridges the gaps . . . .

While we’ve been here in Florida, we’ve plotted out the rest of our calendar for Beyond Photography’s year.   Immediately after our return home, we’re hosting 2 photography events:  Muddy Mayhem, where kids play like pigs in the mud, and the Watermelon Special.  If you didn’t know, Arkansas is considered one of the world’s premier watermelon-growers.  No kidding.  Every year, Hope, Arkansas, hosts the Watermelon Festival.  Click this link if you think I’m joking.  It’s sponsored by the local Chamber of Commerce, where the site boasts that Hope is the “Home of President Bill Clinton, Governor Mike Huckabee, and the World’s Largest Watermelons.” Can your hometown say that?  I didn’t think so.

So as my brain has considered SUNBURN, and BALDNESS, and MELONS, I have brilliantly created the next cultural phenomenon . . . . Allow me to introduce, for the first time, ladies and gentlemen . . .THE WATERMULLET!

The Watermullet

That, friends, is GOLD.

I know your first question:  “If I schedule a Watermelon Session, will my kids get to wear a Watermullet?!”

Not only will they have the chance to try on a Watermullet, but I’ll actually give a free 5×7 photo of every child who wears one!!!!!  It’s true.  Your dreams have come true.  I’ll even post the photo to Facebook, and Facebook will never be the same.

Since you’re scrambling for your phone and wallet, here are the details:

WE’RE SHOOTING WATERMELON AND OUR MUDDY MAYHEM PORTRAITS AUGUST 26th – 29th.

Since we’re hosting 2 different events on the same days, and we have to limit appointments.  Due to outdoor lighting conditions, we are severely limited on the number of appointments we can allow.  We only have 16 slots available!  Others will be put on a standby list, in case we’re able to shoot more appointments [cloudy skies enable me to shoot much more during the day].   Call or email immediately for an appointment.   We’re shooting both full-sessions and Quick Pics with our Mud and Watermelon sessions.  As always–Quick Pic clients will preview and order portraits immediately after the session.  Again, we’re asking for a retainer of $163.50 to schedule, all of which applies to the purchase of portraits.  You can reach us at 501.766.5671 or beyondphotography1@gmail.com.

Look for more Watermelon, and Muddy Mayhem photos, soon.

[. . . and I'm not kidding about the free 5x7 for the Watermullet photo.]

dumb kid

It’s warm, endearing, touching.  Now imagine with me:

You hang this charming piece of  . . . art . . . in your home.  Think of the impact upon your guests!

If you think this portrait is delightful, think of one with your OWN kids!

Summertime in Arkansas:

Honeysuckle. Kids in the sprinkler. Late evening sunsets. Clothes-cling-to-your-skin-humidity. Bare feet. Middle-of-the-day dip in the local swimming hole. Lightning bugs. Prayin’ for rain. Cane poles.

Watermelons.

For those of us blessed to grow up in Arkansas, some of our strongest childhood memories take us back to summertime. Celebrate this summer in Arkansas with Beyond Photography. We’re excited to be shooting portraits again this summer–with watermelons! Carve off a slice of watermelon, and carve an unforgettable memory for your kids.

We’re shooting our watermelon sessions AUGUST 26-29th.

Let me answer a few questions about the special.  Yes–these are the same dates of our Muddy Mayhem sessions.  All sessions will be at the same locale–with different backgrounds, of course.  We’re shooting both full-sessions and Quick Pics with our Mud and Watermelon sessions.  As always–Quick Pic clients will preview and order portraits immediately after the session.  Again, we’re asking for a retainer of $163.50 to schedule, all of which applies to the purchase of portraits.

So call or email immediately!  You’ve heard this spiel before–since I’m shooting outdoors, and I’ll only photograph during great lighting conditions, I have limited availability.  Since we’re offering two specials during the same dates, appointments will be more limited than normal.

We’ll look forward to hearing from you soon.  Thanks!

-mr. bill

beyondphotography1@gmail.com          501.766.5671

Now is your chance to be ugly!!!

ninos barro

AUGUST 26th through the 29th . . . it’s the return of MUDDY MAYHEM!!!

Kids–here’s the problem . . . .  Your parents know that you are much better-looking than their friends’ kids.  While they’d never actually SAY that to their friends, they think it.  Your friend Mr. Bill knows what it’s like to be unspeakably attractive, the object of every adoring eye in the room.  I know, I know–it’s a difficult burden to bear; illustrating to others how beautiful they might have been.  If you’re like me, kids, you just wish that you could temporarily remove the gorgeous, and lay it aside like some old coat. Wouldn’t that be blissful relief?

Lucky for you, beautiful child, I happen to be an expert in unattractive.  You could say it’s innate:  Like a spider knows to spin a web, like an old person wakes up at 4 a.m., like a nerd knows Star Trek.  “Ugly” happens to be my specialty.  So let’s get messy!

We’re hosting the Muddy Mayhem event again this year, saying “farewell” to summertime.  Once again, we’ll be shooting Quick Pics & full sessions.  As always, you’ll need your Mom to schedule an appointment.   Like last year, we’re asking for a $163.50 retainer, all of which applies to the purchase of portraits.

[I don't want to get you too excited, but we're also hosting the Watermelon special at the same time.  You'll have to read the next blog for that information.]

Look for more details soon!  Until then, watch the video below to see a few of the highlights from last year’s Muddy Mayhem.  Farewell, beautiful people.

-mr. bill

This morning you guys crawled into bed to wish me Happy Father’s Day, and pelted me with the cards you’d found for me.  Easily the best part of my day:  Listening to you guys laugh as I read your cards.  I know that I’m not a great Dad, but I’m certain that I love being a Dad more than anyone I know.  Even before I met your Mom, I dreamed of being a Dad.  I didn’t realize how great it would be, nor how it would change the way I look at the world.  Thanks to you three, I see everything differently.  Because of you . . .

I delight that I can act as foolish as I want–in public–when I’m with you, just so long as it makes you laugh.  My ears have become tuned to the pitch and intensity of kids’ voices [even when I can't understand the words, I know if I should intervene].  I love the smell of your room, boys–that little boy stink that always lingers [soon that won't be such a delight].  I miss the smell of baby-breath.  I can’t describe it, but all babies have the same smell.  I actually miss the smell of Enfamil–spit up and dried on my shirt.  Everywhere I go, I notice babies.  While I love to see them, it hurts a little that you’ve gotten so big, and that we’ll not have another baby in our lives until you have your own.  Because of you, I noticed this baby the other night at dinner.  I kept staring at the cute dimples she had on her elbows when she’d straighten her arms.  I love to hear little babies cry that warbly cry–I miss that sound.  Thanks to you, I can watch cartoons again–most have gotten much dumber since I was a kid, but a few are incredibly funny!  Bella–because of you, I have a renewed love of nose-freckles. I love, Carson, that I’m your confidant.  I hope that you’ll always remember the rules of “Free Talk,” and keep including me in your private life.  Because of you, Harrison, I’ve thought thoughts and pondered questions that never would have perplexed my mind.  H–I can say with absolute certainty:  I’ve never met anyone like you!!!!  I love how different you are, and I’m doing my best to develop your different-ness, even though I often don’t understand.  I know without doubt, Harrison, that many lives will be blessed because of you–and we who are closest to you will be the most overwhelmed, grateful ones.  Because of you, kids, I dream of seeing the world.  I’ve always wanted to travel [a little], but now I can envision the exotic places we’ll discover together.  I’ve always been a “morning person,” but you kids have made it all the greater.  When you stumble out of your rooms in the morning, hair looking like it’s trying to run away from you, and you crawl into my lap as I work . . . that’s the best.  You’re why I’m up early, working.

As much as I love you guys, and how you’ve changed me so much, I owe it all to the grace of God–Who made your Mom.

Kids:  I don’t take for granted that God has put you in my care.  Because of you, everything is different for me.  Finally, and most of all:  Because of you, kids, I want to be a better man.

Happy Father’s Day, kids.  Today is yours.

Love,

Dad

P.S.  “Today was a great day to be your Daddy.”

Most of my blogging [well . . . ALL of my blogging] since I’ve been in Miramar/Destin has discussed the lack of oil conditions here.  You’ll be seeing more of those blogs very soon.  Several of you have commented, on Facebook or in person, that you’ve followed our blog closely to know the actual conditions here.  Thank You.  Sheree and I take that seriously, and we’re doing our very small part to report our perspective as accurately as we can.

If you follow my blog, you’ve seen Peyton several times.  It’s always a joy when I look at the schedule and realize that I’ll be seeing this guy . . . he is so, so funny.  When Peyton gets excited, you can see his enthusiasm from his toes to his hair.

A few nights ago, Mom, Dad, MiMi, Peyton, and I strolled over to the beach.  As the sun set, it cast a shaft of light across the sand–the perfect spot for Peyton’s first [and my favorite] shot of his session.

Peyton at the beach

Our Facebook pages are filled with questions . . . how are the beaches?  have you seen oil?  have you canceled your trip?  can you still shoot photos?  are the beaches closed?  do you smell anything in the air?  what are the locals saying?  how, mr. bill, do you retain your rugged good-looks and youthfulness?  . . . The questions go on and on.  Normally, this is where I tell you how beautiful the beaches are, how the sessions are going wonderfully, how our kids are having a superb time playing in the sand, that we’re enjoying fabulous seafood, etc., etc.  This year, though, everyone is asking about the oil disaster.  So let me tell you what we’ve seen different this year than in the other 7 years we’ve been in Destin:

Nothing.

No kidding–the beaches look beautiful, the sessions are going wonderfully, our kids are having a superb time playing in the sand, we’re enjoying fabulous seafood, etc., etc.

Not that you asked, let me give you a glimpse into Sheree and my perspective on the situation, and I’ll also try to answer the questions you’re asking.  Remember that I’m no expert, this is just the look from a guy who visits the area once a year–so take this input for what it’s worth.  Let me begin with the “business” side of our time here–how is Beyond Photography handling the oil issue?

As you may or may not know, Sheree and I have just finished 1 of 11 weeks of our stay near the Destin area.  We’re planning to stay the entire time.  We have not seen a trace of oil, no tar balls, we haven’t noticed an odious smell in the air, and to my knowledge, the experts are saying that Destin remains completely untouched.  We’ve not had any sessions cancel.  In fact, just this week we booked 2 more.  I understand the panic that vacationers are feeling right now.  When I listen to the news, it sounds pretty awful.  Who knows?  Maybe it will be bad, but right now it’s great.  I know that oodles of families have canceled plans to visit this summer.  If you’re unable to change plans at the last minute [difficult work schedules, etc.], I understand.  If you’re more flexible, and you can adjust schedules more easily, I’d suggest that you still come.  Our friends here who operate businesses understand the dilemma you’re facing–and they’re all refunding deposits for clients who cancel . . . even last-minute cancellations.  [Check with your Condo, etc., and ask about their specific policy.  Believe me, they have an answer, and they're giving it often right now.]   Naturally, we’re doing the same.  Folks have wondered:  “Will you refund my portrait retainer if we have to cancel?” Seriously?   Of course we will–unless we’d like to be as popular as BP Oil is right now [ignore that our initials are the same].  We’ll either apply the retainer to another session, or refund.

So regarding our business here:  It’s business as usual.  Really–nothing has changed.

Here’s a question Sheree fielded on Facebook yesterday:  “Please be honest.  We’re planning to come down to Destin.  How do the beaches look?”

You didn’t have to even say, “Please.”  Here’s our honest answer.  Again, I’m no Marine Biologist, nor a weather guy, but here is what we’ve seen.

Destin and Miramar Beach [a little further East, where we're staying] looks the same as it ever has–except the water is a little more emerald this year, more brilliantly-colored than normal.  Honestly, we haven’t seen any change.  Honestly, if I do, I’ll be quick to post a blog to that effect.  Now for the less-positive news.  Sheree and I drove to Perdido Key for a session last night [about 67 miles West of here].  The water is beautiful, folks are still swimming and fishing there.  Honestly, though, there is a noticeable smell in the air.  It’s not overpowering, and it comes and goes with the winds, but y0u’ll smell it.  I guess you’d call it a “petroleumish” smell, but not nearly as obnoxious as a refined petroleum, not as distinct as the smell of motor oil, but more . . . vague.  That’s all the effect we noticed, other than boats poised to block the waterway inlets.

It’s been tough to watch the impact on the locals here.  The media panic has crippled some businesses here.  Busineses should be booming right now, but they’re seeing a decrease in visitors, and lots of cancellations.  Not that I know specific numbers, but judging from traffic, Destin seems “really, really busy,” not “insanely busy,” as it often is right now.  I know of a fisherman who lost 11 chartered trips–last month–when he could have still fished anywhere he normally would have.  That’s at least $11,000 for him.  And that’s only one business.

So maybe you’re wondering:  Why are Sheree and I staying so optimistic?

Why wouldn’t we?

1.  We know that we have no control over the oil spill, or where/when it lands.  We can assume that things will go well, or assume the worst.  So we could wring our hands, and pull up and leave tomorrow.   Or we could plan to enjoy ourselves and work as planned, until we can’t.  If we do have to return early [worst-case scenario for us], we’re so, so, so grateful that we can.  We’re able to pack up and continue our work back home, or some other location.  Our local friends here don’t have that luxury.

2.  The waves and the wind have a tremendous impact on the direction of the oil.  Want proof?  Check out one of the links that Sheree has religiously followed: http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2010/05/01/us/20100501-oil-spill-tracker.html

Right now, we choose to hope that the oil avoids this area.  Will the oil affect this area?  I suspect it will.  In the meantime, we choose optimism.

If you’d like to see more information about the oil, and its impact on this region, let me give you a few links to the folks who really know:

NOAA.com

destinoilspill.com

Until next time, we’ll keep you updated on what we see here.  Thanks for checking in, and we’ll talk to you soon.

Yours,

mr. bill

If nothing else, a guy thinks he can trust an Amish girl who cans beets.  Well, no more.  What else is trustworthy?  The sweetness of baby ducklings . . . right?  No, sir. Tripp and Reece didn’t trust the ducks from the moment they saw them.  I shouldn’t have, either, but I was duped by the sheer cuteness.  Could I have been more foolish?  I doubt it.

Like me, you probably think that baby ducklings are sweet bundles of yellow-love-sent-from-heaven.  Annie–get your gun.  It’s just not so.  “What could be so terrible,” you ask, “that you would lash out against these ducklings, Mr. Bill?”

Oh, it’s bad.  REAL bad.  In fact, I suspect that you have been a victim of these ducklings.  They may look all innocent and sweet, but they are–I hate to admit–masterminds of the most annoying kind.

Indulge me for a moment, as you think about the great irritations in your world.  What is the most insignificant, yet annoying, constant in your life?  Is it slow-drivers in the fast lane?  Only remembering half of the lyrics of a song stuck in your head?  Paris Hilton? People who write obscure Facebook updates [e.g., "Bill is completely irriated and tickled by them," or "why don't you just get a medical opinion and then say 'yes', scratch your toe, and forget about all of the haters who spread gossip?!"]?  I dare say that one thing grates on you more than all these . . . .  Let me give you a hint:

No–it’s not the famous, dearly loved “Stuff-Posing-As-Meat,” which is wonderful with scrambled eggs [God bless you, Hormel]:

These ducks are the world-renowned perpetrators of this century’s greatest irritation . . . they are the originators of email SPAM.  CURSE THOSE DUCKLINGS!!!!!

I know what you must be thinking–email SPAM is a world-wide problem; surely the origin is not here in beautiful Central Arkansas.  I’m sorry, but it’s true.  Do you really need proof?  Okay, then.  Look more closely at the photos that I posted on the previous blog.  I’ve cropped in closer to reveal the awful truth:

ducks who enhance

Need I say more?  If you are on my email address book, you received a SPAM email from me last week, offering you enhancement pills.  This is especially odd since 98% of my clients are women, and 80% of my email address book is female.  No, it was not Mr. Bill sending that message.  Lousy ducklings!

As if that’s not enough proof to convince a jury:

ducks that deceive

HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS WHEN I WAS SHOOTING?!!  Sweet Reece didn’t trust the ducks . . . as they tried to sell him a cheap Rolex.  Fortunately, Reece didn’t buy the watch, nor click on the link to learn more information.  That’s one smart kid.

I’m sorry . . . I feel somehow responsible for the irritating actions of these ducklings.  I promise that next year’s batch of ducks, or bunnies, or poisonous spiders, or whatever animal we use, will not be so problematic.  Thanks for enduring these trying times with me.  You’re great.

Love,

-mr. bill

P.S.  total sidenote:  I actually, really love SPAM emails.  No kidding.  I used to find them totally irritating, until I started to pay attention.  Naturally, I never click the link, but I always imagine that a real, honest-to-goodness person is talking when I read the headline.  Try reading the headline like an acquaintance is talking to you, and it’s really funny.