Bill's Blog

I know that you religiously, excitedly follow my blog.  Thanks.  That being the case, you read my last entry on Monday about the lying Amish girl, her beets, and the ducks that cannot be trusted.  [If you missed the last blog, you'll seriously need to read it first--click here.]  I promised to reveal the sordid history of the ducks, so here it is . . . .

If nothing else, a guy thinks he can trust an Amish girl who cans beets.  Well, no more.  What else is trustworthy?  The sweetness of baby ducklings . . . right?  No, sir. Tripp and Reece didn’t trust the ducks from the moment they saw them.  I shouldn’t have, either, but I was duped by the sheer cuteness.  Could I have been more foolish?  I doubt it.

Like me, you probably think that baby ducklings are sweet bundles of yellow-love-sent-from-heaven.  Annie–get your gun.  It’s just not so.  “What could be so terrible,” you ask, “that you would lash out against these ducklings, Mr. Bill?”

Oh, it’s bad.  REAL bad.  In fact, I suspect that you have been a victim of these ducklings.  They may look all innocent and sweet, but they are–I hate to admit–masterminds of the most annoying kind.

Indulge me for a moment, as you think about the great irritations in your world.  What is the most insignificant, yet annoying, constant in your life?  Is it slow-drivers in the fast lane?  Only remembering half of the lyrics of a song stuck in your head?  Paris Hilton? People who write obscure Facebook updates [e.g., "Bill is completely irriated and tickled by them," or "why don't you just get a medical opinion and then say 'yes', scratch your toe, and forget about all of the haters who spread gossip?!"]?  I dare say that one thing grates on you more than all these . . . .  Let me give you a hint:

No–it’s not the famous, dearly loved “Stuff-Posing-As-Meat,” which is wonderful with scrambled eggs [God bless you, Hormel]:

These ducks are the world-renowned perpetrators of this century’s greatest irritation . . . they are the originators of email SPAM.  CURSE THOSE DUCKLINGS!!!!!

I know what you must be thinking–email SPAM is a world-wide problem; surely the origin is not here in beautiful Central Arkansas.  I’m sorry, but it’s true.  Do you really need proof?  Okay, then.  Look more closely at the photos that I posted on the previous blog.  I’ve cropped in closer to reveal the awful truth:

ducks who enhance

Need I say more?  If you are on my email address book, you received a SPAM email from me last week, offering you enhancement pills.  This is especially odd since 98% of my clients are women, and 80% of my email address book is female.  No, it was not Mr. Bill sending that message.  Lousy ducklings!

As if that’s not enough proof to convince a jury:

ducks that deceive

HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS WHEN I WAS SHOOTING?!!  Sweet Reece didn’t trust the ducks . . . as they tried to sell him a cheap Rolex.  Fortunately, Reece didn’t buy the watch, nor click on the link to learn more information.  That’s one smart kid.

I’m sorry . . . I feel somehow responsible for the irritating actions of these ducklings.  I promise that next year’s batch of ducks, or bunnies, or poisonous spiders, or whatever animal we use, will not be so problematic.  Thanks for enduring these trying times with me.  You’re great.

Love,

-mr. bill

P.S.  total sidenote:  I actually, really love SPAM emails.  No kidding.  I used to find them totally irritating, until I started to pay attention.  Naturally, I never click the link, but I always imagine that a real, honest-to-goodness person is talking when I read the headline.  Try reading the headline like an acquaintance is talking to you, and it’s really funny.