Tonight is the night when I proclaim my dark secrets to the world.  Actually, tonight is only the first of many nights . . . it seems that I have an extensive list of wrong-doings that I need to clear.

If you’re just now checking in, I’m mr. bill from Beyond Photography.  I’ve lived several years as a professional Photographer, and have enjoyed many of those years photographing children with Santa Claus.  Every year has gone better than the last, including the sessions of my own wonderful kids with the Claus.  This year, however, is sadly different.  I learned this summer that I have been placed on Santa’s infamous Naughty List!  You thought it was a myth?  A scare tactic?  Yeah–I used to be a fool, too.  Believe me–it’s real.  And it stinks being here.  If you’d like to learn more about my awful discovery, and my boys’ disturbing reaction to the news, click here.  Then come back to this blog.

Anyway, back to the present.  After learning that I landed on the Naughty List, Santa then gave me a glimmer of hope.  He reminded me that confession is good for the soul . . . and informed me that I should air my dirty laundry.  I only hope that I will somehow find redemption in this awful journey . . . .

***********

I don’t want to brag or anything, but I am really, exceptionally gifted.  Seriously.  Sure–I can make an amazing salad.  I can make flatulence noises with my palm and eye socket.  I won my 5th grade spelling bee by remembering to capitalize “Asia.”  I know how to slice a banana in half, without cutting or tearing the peel.  I can tell you all day long how cool I am.

What most people don’t know–other than my extremely fortunate family–is that I have been given the gift of MUSIC!!!!!  It’s true! I love listening to music.  If I’m at my computer [which is often], or in my truck, I am listening to music.  Truth be told–there are very few people who can play the radio as well as I can.  Again:  I’m not bragging, that’s just how it is.

Can I play an instrument?  No.  But can I sing?  HECK YEAH!!!

Some folks have the gift of perfect pitch [whatever]. Others have a keen knack for harmony [whatever that means].  A few folks, I’m told, have a tremendous range [like that's important].

“What is YOUR gift, mr. bill?” you ask.  That’s insightful of you to inquire.  Thank you.

God has given me the gift of VOLUME!  For whatever I might lack in training or skill, I can compensate in volume.  Ask my hot wife, Sheree.  She knows.

Like all brilliant artists, I need a muse . . . an inspiration, if you will. When I tap into my inspiration . . . it moves me.  Deeply.

Apparently, that’s where Santa has a problem.  He seems to think that my musical influences are sub-standard.  [That hurts.]

Apparently Santa really does “see you when you’re sleeping, sees you when you’re awake.” In fact, here’s a photo of me.  I’m working on the computer, listening to music.  If you look carefully, you can see the tears on my face, and the tear-stains on my shirt.  My muse speaks to me, inspiring me to greater volume, demanding that I share my gift of loud-singing with the world.

moved to tears

I’m sorry you had to see me in such a weakened state.  I can’t control the emotion that music releases.

You’re most likely wondering–“Does Santa hate music?” No.  Not at all.  In fact, he loves the [crappy], British-inspired,  Christmas carols we sing.  [Admit it--they really are lousy.  When is the last time you hung "boughs of holly," or demanded "figgy pudding?"  How many folks who live near the birthplace of Jesus sing about the beautiful white Christmases?!  But I digress.]

Apparently Santa has a problem with the music that I love.  He scrolled through my iPod and found something unsettling.  He demanded that I confess to the world . . . my musical muse is . . .

my musical muse

Sigh.

When other Jr. High kids were playing sports, hanging with other kids, I was alone at my house, teaching myself calligraphy–listening to Barry Manilow.  “Ultimate Manilow.”  I dare you to listen to Mandy and not cry.  Try it.  You’ll weep.  Then you’ll sing it with unbridled volume!

When Santa confronted me, I tried to weasel my way out of the accusation.  Not smart.  He really does see everything!  He pulled 2 cassette tapes from his pocket . . . tapes that he’d snagged from my truck.

2 other musical influences stared me in the face.  As if Manilow wasn’t bad enough!  Forgive me, kind reader.  Before I show the photo, please let me remind you:

We’re soon photographing kids, all over Arkansas, with Santa.  If you need full information, click here to read the blog about pricing, location, etc.

You’re wondering what might offend Santa more than my man Manilow?

worse than manilow

I’m sorry.  If you can bear to learn any more, subscribe to this blog.  More awful details about me soon.

Mournfully Yours,

mr. bill

*When and where are the Christmas sessions?

PINE BLUFF:  November 5-7, 2010.

LITTLE ROCK:  In Chenal Downs, November 12-14, 2010.

HOT SPRINGS:  TBA

FAYETTEVILLE:  TBA

After you schedule your session, we’ll email directions and other tips to prepare for the best session possible.

*I love the idea, but what if my kids don’t like Santa?

1.  If you know that you don’t want photos with Mr. Kringle, we’re happy to photograph your kids and/or family without him.  Please let me know when you schedule your session.

2.  Kids love the IDEA of Santa, but meeting him in person is often intimidating.  Kids also love dinosaurs, but meeting one in real life wouldn’t be so great, either.  If your child doesn’t like Santa, never fear.  By the time Santa arrives in the session for photos, we’ve already captured several great images of your kid(s) on the Christmas scene.  Santa then peeks into the scene, in the background, while I keep your child’s attention away from him.  After this, we then introduce the Man in Red.  If spotting Santa is the end of your session [which isn't totally uncommon], we’ve already captured a great session, and you’ll have ample images for your Christmas photo selection.  Santa is extremely sensitive to a child’s reaction to him, and proceeds slowly with those who aren’t sure of him.

*Do you charge extra to have more than one of my kids in the session?

No.  In fact, we encourage Mom and Dad to come prepared for a few images of the immediate family.

*What clothes should we wear?

Every year, our scene is markedly different from any other scene we’ve created.  We always plan our Christmas scenes with “variety” in mind.  We’ll see a great deal of formal Christmas clothing, which is spectacular.  We’ll also see more of the rustic look–like jeans and sweaters–also fantastic.  Several kids will also come with their pajamas, as if they’ve just awakened to find Santa in the living room, and it’s really cute.

*What is the difference between a “Quick Pic” and a full session?  Why would I choose one over the other?

We’re shooting both types of sessions for Christmas.  Here’s the difference:

FULL SESSIONS

• will allow me much more time to capture much more variety–usually around 80-120 images to view.  I’ll reserve more time for you, and shoot for approximately 45 minutes.  This will give me plenty of time to create a volume of work.
• you’ll have the luxury of returning the following week to view your images.  You’ll see a beautiful slideshow, and we’ll walk with you through the ordering process as you choose your portraits/albums/cards/etc.
• if you think you’d like a wall portrait, I’d strongly encourage a full session.  If you might like an album, you’ll certainly need a full session.
• your kids will have much more time to chat and play with Santa!
• our Santa Reservation Fee is $350 ($25 Santa Fee & $325 Portrait credit).  This fee is required in order to reserve your time.  Because of our limited sessions, we do not hold appointments without our reservation fee.  If you would prefer to call with your credit card info, feel free — 501.766.5671.
• our standard price list applies to full session [click here to see our prices].
• understand that the Reservation secures Mr. Bill’s time just for you!  Therefore Santa Reservation Fees are non-refundable.  If you call within 72 hours to reschedule your session, we will do our best to accommodate your request.  If you have a friend that would like to take your appointment, we’ll be happy to assist you.  Otherwise, we cannot refund your deposit.
  

QUICK PICS

• obviously, are much faster.  Our session will last no longer than 15 minutes.  I’ll still shoot with and without Santa, but have much less variety–about 10-20 images to view.
• you’ll select your portraits immediately after your session.  [Sorry, we won't have time to prepare a slideshow.  Images will show straight from the camera--no cropping, color correcting, retouching, etc--all of that work will apply to the prints that you order, you simply won't see it during the preview session.] Prices are listed below.
• we have very few appointment slots available for Quick Pics on Friday evening through Sunday.  Most of these appointments will be on Thursday or Friday morning.
• our Santa Quick Pic Reservation is $175 plus tax ($25 Santa Fee & $150 Portrait credit).
• due to the quick nature of shooting, and ordering in a large volume, Quick Pics are slightly discounted  [see below].  We do allow you to order more than one package!
• We do ask that your purchase a wall portrait [16×20 or larger] OR at least one portrait package when you order.
• we will have many beautiful custom-designed Christmas cards — we do ask for a minimum $259 portrait purchase.
• understand that the Reservation secures Mr. Bill’s time just for you!!  Therefore Santa Quick Pic Reservation Fees are non-refundable.  If you call within 72 hours to reschedule your session, we will do our best to accommodate your request.  If you have a friend that would like to take your appointment, we’ll be happy to assist you.  Otherwise, your deposit will not be refunded.

*How do I schedule an appointment?

Please call or email.  We’ll spend some time listening to your “Christmas list,” then schedule you for either a full session or a Quick Pic.  When we set your appointment time, we’ll ask for your retainer.  We can send an invoice via Paypal, or take a credit card number over the phone.  Email us at beyondphotography1@gmail.com, or call 501.766.5671.

If you have any other questions, please post them in the comments section below.  I’ll then know better how to answer the questions that everyone is asking.

We’re looking forward to an AMAZING holiday season!  I’ll look forward to hearing from you soon.  Thanks!

-mr. bill

You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Do you remember the parable of the Crappy Samaritan?  Or Beethoven’s Ode to Joyless?  How about the classic Christmas movie:  It’s a Woeful Life?

Of course you don’t.  But I do.  Suddenly I see things in a different light.

As you may or may not know, my family and I just returned from a summer of work and vacation in Florida.  What could be better than a beautiful stay on the Emerald Coast?  What could possibly improve on such grandeur?  I can tell you:

Strolling down the beach one evening, WE STUMBLED UPON SANTA!!!!!!

The Claus Chillaxes

In one of the worst moments of my life, I nervously approached and asked for his autograph.  I suspect that Santa loves giving autographs . . . unless you mistake him for Jerry Garcia.  Oops.  As I would soon learn, that was only one of the mistakes I’d tallied for the year.  If you want a terrible vacation story, try this on for size–Santa informed me that I have been put on the infamous Naughty List.

OUCH.

As if that wasn’t humiliating enough, Santa then broke the news to my sweet, loving, innocent little boys!  Let me warn you:  The following video clip is disturbing.  No child should know that his own father has been banished to the “other list.”  You’ll see the courageous reaction of my boys when they learn the news.  Please do not watch this clip near children, faint-hearted women, or at work.  My poor little sons.  I hope they recover from the news . . . .

You might be wondering, nervously, how I landed on the Naughty List.  Thankfully, Santa left me a list.  [He has got to get over his list-obsession!  Listing stuff, then checking it twice . . . can you say "OCD?"]  Santa then reminded me that “confession is good for the soul.”  So here on the blog, I’ll be airing the dirty laundry that got me here.  Sigh.  I hope that you can somehow, mercifully, still look me in the eye after you learn some pretty awful secrets about me.  Stay tuned for more sordid details.

In the meantime, Santa has kindly agreed to still meet for Christmas Portraits!  No wonder he’s an official “Saint.”  We’re still hammering out details, including a few new cities.  Thus far, I can tell you [with certainty] that we’ll be photographing:

in Little Rock November 11-14th, and

in Pine Bluff November 5th and 6th.

Once again we’ll be scheduling full sessions, and Quick Pics.  The next blog will have pricing information and more details about scheduling.  5 eager folks have already contacted us!  It’s going to be a great year.  I’ll look forward to talking to you soon.

Yours,

mr. bill

More importantly, what would your kids ask?

The King of the Handsome Boys, my boy Harrison, is also King of the Questions.  Normally it is Dad [me] who fields the barrage of questions.  Over the last few days, I have enjoyed blissful respite from Harrison’s diligent volley of “who, what, why, when, where, and how?”

[Two of Harrison's more famous questions:  "How did God make the dark?"  "Are monkeys faster than cats?"]

Why has Harrison stopped asking questions of his wise-old dad?  Santa and Mrs. Claus have vacationed with us here in Destin for the last few days.

So now you know:  Given a weekend, here are only a fraction of the questions your kids would ask Santa and Mrs. Claus . . .

“What do reindeer eat?”  “How often do you [Mrs. Claus] get to go to the North Pole?”  “While Mrs. Claus and the elves are doing all the work, do you just sit and watch TV?”  “How old are you?”  “What do you use to write the list [Naughty and Nice]–pencil, pen, or crayon?”  Indicating his own height with his hand:  “Is the list this long?”  “If you’re barely good, are you at the bottom of the list?”  “How many homes do you see on Christmas?”  “How do you visit homes in other countries when they celebrate Christmas at other times?”  “How long does your trip take?”  “Do you sleep all day long the day after Christmas?”  “Do you eat all the cookies?”  “Santa–how long do you stay at the beach?”  “Do you go outside and have snowball fights?”  “Could you freeze to death in the North Pole?  The Elves?”  “Do you [Mrs. Claus] know all of the Elves?”

If your own kids have some questions for Santa, keep following the blog.  We’ll have Santa/Christmas portrait dates posted soon.  Save up your questions, and we’ll look forward to hearing them soon.

Yours,

mr. bill

the Big H

Howdy–I’m Harrison . . . mr. bill’s middle child.  Ever since Dad invented the Watermullet, he’s been trotting all over town, showing it off.  [I'm ashamed to say that he'll soon have more Watermullet photos to share.  Someone please stop him.  One day I'll be a teen-ager, and Dad's blogs won't be nearly so funny.]

In the meantime, business still goes on, and the Muddy Mayhem portrait event is quickly approaching: September 11-12th.  My siblings and I convened, then decided that I should be the one to tell you a little more about the Mud Special.  Dad has created oodles of photos of us [but not nearly as many as you'd think], but none are as great as the mud photos!  Well . . . meeting Santa is pretty great, so those are good photos.  5 a.m. in the Outer Banks, in front of a lighthouse, wasn’t such a fun time.

Here’s my 5 reasons why I loved the Mud Session from last year, and why I’m eager to jump in again:

5.  I’m not like most other kids.  I don’t like to sit in one place, do exactly as I’m told, and look just “the right way” for my photos–whatever that means.  In most of Dad’s photos, I’m laughing wildly, or looking like a doofus, or just “acting like a maniac,” as Dad likes to say.  When Mom and Dad dropped us in the mud for photos, I had found my home.  I laughed wildly, looked like a doofus, acted like a maniac . . . and Dad did, too.  They still tell people that I “stole the show” in that session.

4.  Summertime is hot . . . and a mudbath feels great.  After the session, Mom turned the hose on me, then a real shower.  Sweet relief from the heat.

3.  During most of our portrait sessions, Mom keeps a close, mean eye on my clothes.  I hate getting dirty, but dirt loves getting Harrison.  See the photo below.

mud gets harrison

2.  An occasional worm.

1.  It’s hard being handsome all of the time.  Dad wrote about this awful curse a few blogs ago.  Suffice to say, it was great to cut loose and stop being so “reely, reely, reely, reediculously good-looking” [Derek Zoolander].

So–if your kid sounds anything like me [lucky you!], then you should schedule a Muddy Mayhem session.  As of right now, Dad only has 15 appointments remaining . . . and he’s also shooting Watermelon photos during the same time.  I’m told that packages start at $150–so Dad will ask for a retainer of $163.50 [tax included] to schedule your appointment.  All of that money applies to your portraits–no session fee.  Since Mom and Dad just sent out an email blast about the specials, their appointments will soon be gone.  Call or email right now.

beyondphotography1@gmail.com–or–501.766.5671

Thanks for checking in.  I’ll hope to blog for you again soon.

-The Big H

Naturally, my thoughts have been on our work back home in Arkansas.  Yet it’s difficult to tear my mind away from summer on the beach in Florida.  In a stroke of sheer genius–standard fare for my innovative ideas–I have combined the two cultures, AND am providing a service to balding men everywhere.  If you thought that Swatch Watches, or Snuggies, or Silly Bandz have been powerful cultural phenomenons, you ain’t seen nothing yet.  You’re lucky to follow this blog so carefully . . . you are privy to sheer brilliance, all for free.

Travel with me, if you will, through the complex yet beautiful world of my own mind . . . .

You might not have not have noticed, since it’s so subtle, but I’m somewhat BALDING.  It’s true.  Since Jr. High [no kidding.  it was traumatic.].  Bald men and nudists have this in common:  Sunburn is no laughing matter! We take extreme care to avoid sun damage.  I’m proud to report that after a summer on the beach, I’ve not been sunburned once.  Yet it’s been a great hassle to apply sunscreen to my MELON every time I anticipate sun exposure.

I hope you’re reading carefully–I’m giving you a guided tour through my brain, and I’m even putting the HINTS IN ALL CAPS.  Fasten your seatbelt, you’re about to see how mr. bill’s brilliance bridges the gaps . . . .

While we’ve been here in Florida, we’ve plotted out the rest of our calendar for Beyond Photography’s year.   Immediately after our return home, we’re hosting 2 photography events:  Muddy Mayhem, where kids play like pigs in the mud, and the Watermelon Special.  If you didn’t know, Arkansas is considered one of the world’s premier watermelon-growers.  No kidding.  Every year, Hope, Arkansas, hosts the Watermelon Festival.  Click this link if you think I’m joking.  It’s sponsored by the local Chamber of Commerce, where the site boasts that Hope is the “Home of President Bill Clinton, Governor Mike Huckabee, and the World’s Largest Watermelons.” Can your hometown say that?  I didn’t think so.

So as my brain has considered SUNBURN, and BALDNESS, and MELONS, I have brilliantly created the next cultural phenomenon . . . . Allow me to introduce, for the first time, ladies and gentlemen . . .THE WATERMULLET!

The Watermullet

That, friends, is GOLD.

I know your first question:  “If I schedule a Watermelon Session, will my kids get to wear a Watermullet?!”

Not only will they have the chance to try on a Watermullet, but I’ll actually give a free 5×7 photo of every child who wears one!!!!!  It’s true.  Your dreams have come true.  I’ll even post the photo to Facebook, and Facebook will never be the same.

Since you’re scrambling for your phone and wallet, here are the details:

WE’RE SHOOTING WATERMELON AND OUR MUDDY MAYHEM PORTRAITS AUGUST 26th – 29th.

Since we’re hosting 2 different events on the same days, and we have to limit appointments.  Due to outdoor lighting conditions, we are severely limited on the number of appointments we can allow.  We only have 16 slots available!  Others will be put on a standby list, in case we’re able to shoot more appointments [cloudy skies enable me to shoot much more during the day].   Call or email immediately for an appointment.   We’re shooting both full-sessions and Quick Pics with our Mud and Watermelon sessions.  As always–Quick Pic clients will preview and order portraits immediately after the session.  Again, we’re asking for a retainer of $163.50 to schedule, all of which applies to the purchase of portraits.  You can reach us at 501.766.5671 or beyondphotography1@gmail.com.

Look for more Watermelon, and Muddy Mayhem photos, soon.

[. . . and I'm not kidding about the free 5x7 for the Watermullet photo.]

dumb kid

It’s warm, endearing, touching.  Now imagine with me:

You hang this charming piece of  . . . art . . . in your home.  Think of the impact upon your guests!

If you think this portrait is delightful, think of one with your OWN kids!

Summertime in Arkansas:

Honeysuckle. Kids in the sprinkler. Late evening sunsets. Clothes-cling-to-your-skin-humidity. Bare feet. Middle-of-the-day dip in the local swimming hole. Lightning bugs. Prayin’ for rain. Cane poles.

Watermelons.

For those of us blessed to grow up in Arkansas, some of our strongest childhood memories take us back to summertime. Celebrate this summer in Arkansas with Beyond Photography. We’re excited to be shooting portraits again this summer–with watermelons! Carve off a slice of watermelon, and carve an unforgettable memory for your kids.

We’re shooting our watermelon sessions AUGUST 26-29th.

Let me answer a few questions about the special.  Yes–these are the same dates of our Muddy Mayhem sessions.  All sessions will be at the same locale–with different backgrounds, of course.  We’re shooting both full-sessions and Quick Pics with our Mud and Watermelon sessions.  As always–Quick Pic clients will preview and order portraits immediately after the session.  Again, we’re asking for a retainer of $163.50 to schedule, all of which applies to the purchase of portraits.

So call or email immediately!  You’ve heard this spiel before–since I’m shooting outdoors, and I’ll only photograph during great lighting conditions, I have limited availability.  Since we’re offering two specials during the same dates, appointments will be more limited than normal.

We’ll look forward to hearing from you soon.  Thanks!

-mr. bill

beyondphotography1@gmail.com          501.766.5671

Now is your chance to be ugly!!!

ninos barro

AUGUST 26th through the 29th . . . it’s the return of MUDDY MAYHEM!!!

Kids–here’s the problem . . . .  Your parents know that you are much better-looking than their friends’ kids.  While they’d never actually SAY that to their friends, they think it.  Your friend Mr. Bill knows what it’s like to be unspeakably attractive, the object of every adoring eye in the room.  I know, I know–it’s a difficult burden to bear; illustrating to others how beautiful they might have been.  If you’re like me, kids, you just wish that you could temporarily remove the gorgeous, and lay it aside like some old coat. Wouldn’t that be blissful relief?

Lucky for you, beautiful child, I happen to be an expert in unattractive.  You could say it’s innate:  Like a spider knows to spin a web, like an old person wakes up at 4 a.m., like a nerd knows Star Trek.  “Ugly” happens to be my specialty.  So let’s get messy!

We’re hosting the Muddy Mayhem event again this year, saying “farewell” to summertime.  Once again, we’ll be shooting Quick Pics & full sessions.  As always, you’ll need your Mom to schedule an appointment.   Like last year, we’re asking for a $163.50 retainer, all of which applies to the purchase of portraits.

[I don't want to get you too excited, but we're also hosting the Watermelon special at the same time.  You'll have to read the next blog for that information.]

Look for more details soon!  Until then, watch the video below to see a few of the highlights from last year’s Muddy Mayhem.  Farewell, beautiful people.

-mr. bill

The beaches I’ve seen still look great.  You’ll see a tarchip every once and awhile, but not much.  We’re seeing the cleanup crews comb the beach with nets, picking up tar as they see it.  Folks, including me and my kids, are still getting in the ocean.

So–if you have plans to visit the area, I’d keep them.  I don’t know what might–or might not–change soon, but right now, it’s great.

“And that’s all I have to say about that.” –Forrest Gump

******

Since I’m a photographer, this wouldn’t be a proper post without a photo or two.  Since mine are the best-looking children alive, why don’t I post some snapshots of them?  Good thinking, don’t mind if I do.  Following are some photos from last night.  I wanted to preserve their scraggliness forever.

. . . and I saved the best for last.  Sheree was lying on her stomach with the camera behind the kids.  She told them to turn around for a photo, which they did.  She then instructed, “Kids–lay like I am.”  Which they did.

Why is Harrison holding his hands like that?

He’s lying on his stomach, just like Mom said . . . and he’s holding the camera, just like Mom.

It’s a non-issue here.

Check some of the local blogs around here, or chat with a friend who’s visited, and you’ll hear the same response repeatedly–”What oil?”  Naturally, people here are talking about it still, but not nearly as much as the beginning of the summer.  We are seeing some clean-up crews on the beaches, gathering tarchips, but that’s all.  The water is still amazing, we’re still enjoying the ocean, and we’ve been spared the dramatic impact we’re seeing far West of here.  It’s a great summer to be in the Destin area.

On a slightly-related note:

Sheree and I have just launched www.blessdestin.com.  It’s a project, however small, that we’ve just launched to offer a word of encouragement to the locals here.  Check out the site.  Then, if you’re visiting the area, or know someone who is, participate!

I hope that you have at least a mediocre day.  Talk to you soon,

mr. bill